Chicago Bagel Authority

Ah, Chicago Bagel Authority (CBA) – a name that strikes fear into the heart of every bagel purist out there. You see, Chicago is not exactly known for its bagels. It's a city that has a deep, committed love affair with its pizza and hot dogs, but bagels? Not so much. That's where the CBA comes in, a restaurant business that has dared to take on the bagel behemoths of the east coast and come up with its own audacious, chutzpah-filled version of what a bagel should be.

The first thing you need to know about CBA is that these are not your traditional, svelte, dimple-faced bagels that you'll find in New York or Montreal. No, no, no. These are behemoths, monstrous doughy creations that you could easily use to stun a small mammal or as a makeshift flotation device in a pinch.

Now, you might think that this size alone would be enough to set CBA apart from the competition, but oh no, my friend. That's just the tip of the iceberg. For CBA has taken the classic bagel formula and tossed it out the window faster than you can say "Lox and a schmear."

Here's how it works: you start by picking one of their colossal bagels as your base. But it's not as simple as "plain" or "poppyseed" here, no sir. CBA offers everything from an "Everything" bagel (a veritable United Nations of seeds and spices) to the "French Toast" bagel (which could, in a pinch, function as an actual meal replacement).

But let's say, for argument's sake, you've gone ahead and picked out your bagel base. It's time to move on to the next crucial decision: the filling. And this, my friend, is where the real fun begins.

CBA's approach to fillings is like a rebellious teenager's approach to fashion – they're throwing everything they've got at the wall and seeing what sticks. And the result is a wildly eclectic, downright confounding array of options that range from the sublime to the utterly bizarre.

On the "sublime" side, you've got offerings like the "Western" (turkey, ham, bacon, cheddar, and an egg) or the "Veggie" (avocado, tomato, red onion, cucumber, and cream cheese). These are solid, dependable choices that could, in theory, please just about anyone.

But then you've got the "bizarre" side of the menu. This is where CBA decides to say "to hell with tradition" and throws every possible ingredient combo they can think of into a bagel. We're talking things like the "King's Hawaiian BBQ" (ham, roast beef, swiss, pineapple, lettuce, tomato, and BBQ sauce) or the "Mac Attack" (mac and cheese, bacon, and scallions).

But if you thought that was as far as CBA was willing to go, you'd be dead wrong. Because then there's the pièce de résistance: the "Hangover" (a fried egg, sausage, bacon, American cheese, and hash browns). This, dear reader, is the culinary equivalent of a gut-punch – a glorious, gut-busting, artery-clogging punch that could very well be the most satisfying thing you've ever eaten.

And there you have it – the Chicago Bagel Authority, a restaurant business that has taken the very concept of a bagel and twisted it into something entirely new, strange, and undeniably compelling. Is it traditional? Not a chance. Is it delicious? Hell yes. And in the end, isn't that all that really matters?